We meet at a bar.  She is very attractive and fashionably dressed.  

We're talking about stuff.  Woody Allen comes up. 

Her: "yeah I love Woody Allen. He's so funny" 

Me (silently, in my mind): "She likes funny.....Cha-ching!"

"And he's such a dedicated artist" 


"And he's so neurotic and weird.  It's cute." 


Gradually, the conversation veers into job-interview territory.  I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.  

I splash water on my face. "Dammit man! Think sexy!" *slaps face "Think seductive!" 

I return.

Her: "Yeah I loved how vulnerable your facebook post was.  You weren't afraid to share the emotions you experience as a single person" 

Me: "Yes, I'm vulnerable"  *wobbles eyebrows 

"I'm extremely vulnerable" 


This is my chance to turn up the flirt factor.  I fumble to find the right topic: vulnerable, yet sexy.

"....Sometimes I eat greek yogurt....alone....

in my room.... naked." 

"I hate yogurt"

Bad start.  I press on.  

"And it drops in my pubic hair.  It  takes about 45 minutes to get out."

I cringe inside, knowing my words have missed the mark.  Or have they....

Her (deadpan): "Women need yogurt" 

"Oh yeah?" (sexual innuendo?)

"Yeah you can a take a pill, though.   It's a pill for women who need yogurt, but hate yogurt, like me" (nope)

My mind explodes.

- there's a yogurt pill?

- they can put foods like yogurt into a pill? 

-are there other food pills? 

- yogurt is so critical to a woman's health that they make a pill for women who hate yogurt?

-some people hate yogurt?

At this point, all thoughts of seduction have left my mind.  Yogurt is being attacked.  I must defend it.

"But it's good...have you tried putting honey in it?" I think to myself.

This is why I'm single.