We meet at a bar. She is very attractive and fashionably dressed.
We're talking about stuff. Woody Allen comes up.
Her: "yeah I love Woody Allen. He's so funny"
Me (silently, in my mind): "She likes funny.....Cha-ching!"
"And he's such a dedicated artist"
"And he's so neurotic and weird. It's cute."
Gradually, the conversation veers into job-interview territory. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.
I splash water on my face. "Dammit man! Think sexy!" *slaps face "Think seductive!"
Her: "Yeah I loved how vulnerable your facebook post was. You weren't afraid to share the emotions you experience as a single person"
Me: "Yes, I'm vulnerable" *wobbles eyebrows
"I'm extremely vulnerable"
This is my chance to turn up the flirt factor. I fumble to find the right topic: vulnerable, yet sexy.
"....Sometimes I eat greek yogurt....alone....
in my room.... naked."
"I hate yogurt"
Bad start. I press on.
"And it drops in my pubic hair. It takes about 45 minutes to get out."
I cringe inside, knowing my words have missed the mark. Or have they....
Her (deadpan): "Women need yogurt"
"Oh yeah?" (sexual innuendo?)
"Yeah you can a take a pill, though. It's a pill for women who need yogurt, but hate yogurt, like me" (nope)
My mind explodes.
- there's a yogurt pill?
- they can put foods like yogurt into a pill?
-are there other food pills?
- yogurt is so critical to a woman's health that they make a pill for women who hate yogurt?
-some people hate yogurt?
At this point, all thoughts of seduction have left my mind. Yogurt is being attacked. I must defend it.
"But it's good...have you tried putting honey in it?" I think to myself.
This is why I'm single.