John (not his real name) and I are hanging at a bar in brooklyn.  A woman we met earlier walks up to John and says:

"You're cute.  What's your number?" 

and then turns to me

"You're cute.  What's your number?"

John and I look at each other, communicating telepathically.  

Me: (Is this what I think it is?) 

John: (I think so) 

(I'm heterosexual)

(me too) 

(rock paper scissors)

I win.

Me: (wabba wabba wabba!) 

*dances while grabbing own nipples

John: (I have a date with someone I actually like tomorrow)

The woman and I chat for a bit and agree to meet up for a date the following night.  

~next night~

I arrive at the bar.  She's cute and spunky.  She has a nice dress.  

Her: "Hey, some of my friends are here, I hope that's ok." 

"Yes!" 

(no) 

Guy friend with septum piercing:

*looks at me

"shit" 

*looks at wall

Woman friend: "who are you?" 

"Oh, hi I'm Isaac" *smiles

 "No, I mean, who are you?" 

Me: 

*furrows brow, looks up at ceiling

"well...according to psychoanalytic theorist Jacque Lac.....

"Let's get a drink"

My date buys me a drink at the bar. (Nice)

We chat for a bit.

Her: "why don't we relocate to this other bar nearby" 

"Sweet" 

(finally some alone time)

*nipple dance

"My friend Chris is coming. I hope that's ok" 

"Totally fine" 

(God damn you, Chris)

We go to the place.  My date orders tons of food and drinks and pays for it all.  (wow, how nice)

As we talk, I notice Chris has an effeminate air.  I remind myself not to put people in boxes.  Maybe he's gay, maybe not.  Maybe he's asexual.  Maybe he's into animals.  Who knows?

He starts talking about one of his ex-girlfriends.  (mystery solved)  Then he starts rubbing my date's leg.  (I hate you, Chris) 

My date shuffles a bit and starts rubbing my leg. (Ha, I win, Chris)

Chris: "have you ever accidentally gone on a date with a transsexual?" 

Me: "you know....funny story...." 

"Wait lemme tell mine first"

He tells a story about making out with a woman he met at work.  He learned the hard way (pun intended) that she was endowed with male genitalia.  

Then he makes a face like Robert  De Niro and says: 

"and ya know.... 

*leans forward and speaks with extra emphasis

......"it wasn't that bad" 

I look down.  My date is rubbing Chris's leg and my leg at the same time.

*eyes bulge out of head

My mind races.....

"uhhh... my friend's dog is giving birth and they need me to open the door for their airbnb guest.  Gotta run." 

The end.

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