It's our third date.  This could be the night "it" happens: the night I get into a relationship.  

I've been saving up (saving up money, pervert).  We're having dinner at a French restaurant.  I'm hoping the candle light, ESL waiters, and cheese plates will intoxicate my date into a relationship with me.  It can't fail.  

I psyche myself up.

"BBBRRRGGGGGAAAAAHHH!!!"

*looses barrage of 10,000 rapid- fire Bruce Lee punches and turns head to the right" 

"Bonsoir, mi amor" 

*flares nostrils 

"Hi Isaac" 

*peck on my cheek 

*karate chops wooden plank into two pieces 

"Shall we?" 

We sit and start talking about random stuff.  

Waiter: "airuhheadytahdare?"

Me: "Yes, two glasses or red wine and a plate of oysters"

Her: "I love oysters" 

(Yes, that's definately innuendo. YES!!! YES!!!) 

Me: "oysters give me virility" 

*winks 

"Haha...yeah...well...you won't be needing that tonight"

The waiter smiles with deep satisfaction.  

(I hate you, waiter)  

"Ansingells?" 

"3 cheese plates and 5 more candles, please"

We continue talking about random stuff.

Her: "I just read an autobiography of a woman who was a sociopath" 

"Oh yeah?...."

(this can't be good) 

"Ya she was normal...she had relationships and everything"

"So why was she a sociopath?"

"Well...she would do things like end relationships because she got really bored" 

"But don't normal people do that too?" 

"No, only sociopaths" 

"Oh...I see...I hate sociopaths...I'm definitely not one myself"

*smiles

She looks unconvinced.  

"What kind of dog did you have growing up?"

"I had a cat" 

(1 sociopath point)

"Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?"

"Borg?"

(2 sociopath points) 

"What do you do for fun?" 

"Well...I'm a jazz musician...so...nothing, I guess" 

(3 sociopath points)

"Airairzoysters" 

The waiter sets the plate of oysters down before us.  It's a critical moment.  If I don't impress my date, it's over.

How can I show her I'm not a sociopath? How can I show that I'm generous, and know how to make her feel good? 

I look down at the oysters, which resemble female genitalia, then back up at my date.  

A lightbulb goes off.  

"watch"

*tenderly tounges, licks, and slurps oysters into mouth as if to say "would a sociopath be this sensitive and skillfull?" 

It didn't work. 

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