It's our third date.  This could be the night "it" happens: the night I get into a relationship.  

I've been saving up (saving up money, pervert).  We're having dinner at a French restaurant.  I'm hoping the candle light, ESL waiters, and cheese plates will intoxicate my date into a relationship with me.  It can't fail.  

I psyche myself up.


*looses barrage of 10,000 rapid- fire Bruce Lee punches and turns head to the right" 

"Bonsoir, mi amor" 

*flares nostrils 

"Hi Isaac" 

*peck on my cheek 

*karate chops wooden plank into two pieces 

"Shall we?" 

We sit and start talking about random stuff.  

Waiter: "airuhheadytahdare?"

Me: "Yes, two glasses or red wine and a plate of oysters"

Her: "I love oysters" 

(Yes, that's definately innuendo. YES!!! YES!!!) 

Me: "oysters give me virility" 


" won't be needing that tonight"

The waiter smiles with deep satisfaction.  

(I hate you, waiter)  


"3 cheese plates and 5 more candles, please"

We continue talking about random stuff.

Her: "I just read an autobiography of a woman who was a sociopath" 

"Oh yeah?...."

(this can't be good) 

"Ya she was normal...she had relationships and everything"

"So why was she a sociopath?"

"Well...she would do things like end relationships because she got really bored" 

"But don't normal people do that too?" 

"No, only sociopaths" 

"Oh...I see...I hate sociopaths...I'm definitely not one myself"


She looks unconvinced.  

"What kind of dog did you have growing up?"

"I had a cat" 

(1 sociopath point)

"Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?"


(2 sociopath points) 

"What do you do for fun?" 

"Well...I'm a jazz, I guess" 

(3 sociopath points)


The waiter sets the plate of oysters down before us.  It's a critical moment.  If I don't impress my date, it's over.

How can I show her I'm not a sociopath? How can I show that I'm generous, and know how to make her feel good? 

I look down at the oysters, which resemble female genitalia, then back up at my date.  

A lightbulb goes off.  


*tenderly tounges, licks, and slurps oysters into mouth as if to say "would a sociopath be this sensitive and skillfull?" 

It didn't work.