We meet for our first date at a bar. She's wearing a short skirt, black bikini top and 100% see thru mesh top. She is very cute.
We grab some seats at the bar. Thousands of catcall facebook posts flash through my mind. I grit my teeth, saying to myself "Do not objectify. Do NOT objectify."
She stares into my eyes, blankly.
I strike up a conversation about completely random shit: the history of IPA's, the Office, the street I used to live on in Bushwick (normal random get-to know-you stuff). She replies with short minimal answers. There is
lot's of blank eye contact and silence.
This is a bizarre way for two people to interact. However, as the night progresses, she talks more and even flirts with me...I think...
"I like listening to you talk," she says. So it continues. Me: blab, silence, blab, reply, blab, silence.
Her: blank stare, silence, blank stare, short response, blank stare.
The things she says are interesting, and she is very attractive, so I stick it out...for 4 hours....
around the 3.5 hour mark, she sort of inches towards me, sort of. We sit close together, our faces inches apart, staring into each other's eyes, silently. I move in for a kiss (you know...suavely). I opt for a ginger peck. Her mouth opens, and closes, and opens again, like a goldfish.
Puzzled, I pause. I redouble with a swooning smooch...more goldfish....
it's a strange sensation. Unpleasant. Before withdrawing, I give it one more try, matching goldfish with goldfish.
I can't imagine what that must have looked like. Two fish mistaking each other's faces for food, probably.
We resume "talking." I take 30 minutes to wind down and process the interaction emotionally. I excuse myself and go home.
Please kill me.