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Dating Story: Goldfish

We meet for our first date at a bar.  She's wearing a short skirt, black bikini top and 100% see thru mesh top.  She is very cute.

We grab some seats at the bar.  Thousands of catcall facebook posts flash through my mind.  I grit my teeth, saying to myself "Do not objectify.  Do NOT objectify." 

She stares into my eyes, blankly.

I strike up a conversation about completely random shit: the history of IPA's, the Office, the street I used to live on in Bushwick (normal random get-to know-you stuff).  She replies with short minimal answers.  There is

lot's of blank eye contact and silence.  

This is a bizarre way for two people to interact. However, as the night progresses, she talks more and even flirts with me...I think...

"I like listening to you talk," she says.  So it continues.  Me: blab, silence, blab, reply, blab, silence.

Her: blank stare, silence, blank stare, short response, blank stare. 

The things she says are interesting, and she is very attractive, so I stick it out...for 4 hours....

around the 3.5 hour mark, she sort of inches towards me, sort of.  We sit close together, our faces inches apart, staring into each other's eyes, silently. I move in for a kiss (you know...suavely).  I opt for a ginger peck.  Her mouth opens, and closes, and opens again, like a goldfish.  

Puzzled, I pause.  I redouble with a swooning smooch...more goldfish....

it's a strange sensation.  Unpleasant.  Before withdrawing, I give it one more try, matching goldfish with goldfish.  

I can't imagine what that must have looked like.  Two fish mistaking each other's faces for food, probably.  

We resume "talking." I take 30 minutes to wind down and process the interaction emotionally.  I excuse myself and go home.

Please kill me.  

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Dating Story: Yogurt

We meet at a bar.  She is very attractive and fashionably dressed.  

We're talking about stuff.  Woody Allen comes up. 

Her: "yeah I love Woody Allen. He's so funny" 

Me (silently, in my mind): "She likes funny.....Cha-ching!"

"And he's such a dedicated artist" 

"Cha-ching!" 

"And he's so neurotic and weird.  It's cute." 

"Cha-ching!" 

Gradually, the conversation veers into job-interview territory.  I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.  

I splash water on my face. "Dammit man! Think sexy!" *slaps face "Think seductive!" 

I return.

Her: "Yeah I loved how vulnerable your facebook post was.  You weren't afraid to share the emotions you experience as a single person" 

Me: "Yes, I'm vulnerable"  *wobbles eyebrows 

"I'm extremely vulnerable" 

"YEAH!....." 

This is my chance to turn up the flirt factor.  I fumble to find the right topic: vulnerable, yet sexy.

"....Sometimes I eat greek yogurt....alone....

in my room.... naked." 

"I hate yogurt"

Bad start.  I press on.  

"And it drops in my pubic hair.  It  takes about 45 minutes to get out."

I cringe inside, knowing my words have missed the mark.  Or have they....

Her (deadpan): "Women need yogurt" 

"Oh yeah?" (sexual innuendo?)

"Yeah you can a take a pill, though.   It's a pill for women who need yogurt, but hate yogurt, like me" (nope)

My mind explodes.

- there's a yogurt pill?

- they can put foods like yogurt into a pill? 

-are there other food pills? 

- yogurt is so critical to a woman's health that they make a pill for women who hate yogurt?

-some people hate yogurt?

At this point, all thoughts of seduction have left my mind.  Yogurt is being attacked.  I must defend it.

"But it's good...have you tried putting honey in it?" I think to myself.

This is why I'm single.

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Dating Story: Threesome?

John (not his real name) and I are hanging at a bar in brooklyn.  A woman we met earlier walks up to John and says:

"You're cute.  What's your number?" 

and then turns to me

"You're cute.  What's your number?"

John and I look at each other, communicating telepathically.  

Me: (Is this what I think it is?) 

John: (I think so) 

(I'm heterosexual)

(me too) 

(rock paper scissors)

I win.

Me: (wabba wabba wabba!) 

*dances while grabbing own nipples

John: (I have a date with someone I actually like tomorrow)

The woman and I chat for a bit and agree to meet up for a date the following night.  

~next night~

I arrive at the bar.  She's cute and spunky.  She has a nice dress.  

Her: "Hey, some of my friends are here, I hope that's ok." 

"Yes!" 

(no) 

Guy friend with septum piercing:

*looks at me

"shit" 

*looks at wall

Woman friend: "who are you?" 

"Oh, hi I'm Isaac" *smiles

 "No, I mean, who are you?" 

Me: 

*furrows brow, looks up at ceiling

"well...according to psychoanalytic theorist Jacque Lac.....

"Let's get a drink"

My date buys me a drink at the bar. (Nice)

We chat for a bit.

Her: "why don't we relocate to this other bar nearby" 

"Sweet" 

(finally some alone time)

*nipple dance

"My friend Chris is coming. I hope that's ok" 

"Totally fine" 

(God damn you, Chris)

We go to the place.  My date orders tons of food and drinks and pays for it all.  (wow, how nice)

As we talk, I notice Chris has an effeminate air.  I remind myself not to put people in boxes.  Maybe he's gay, maybe not.  Maybe he's asexual.  Maybe he's into animals.  Who knows?

He starts talking about one of his ex-girlfriends.  (mystery solved)  Then he starts rubbing my date's leg.  (I hate you, Chris) 

My date shuffles a bit and starts rubbing my leg. (Ha, I win, Chris)

Chris: "have you ever accidentally gone on a date with a transsexual?" 

Me: "you know....funny story...." 

"Wait lemme tell mine first"

He tells a story about making out with a woman he met at work.  He learned the hard way (pun intended) that she was endowed with male genitalia.  

Then he makes a face like Robert  De Niro and says: 

"and ya know.... 

*leans forward and speaks with extra emphasis

......"it wasn't that bad" 

I look down.  My date is rubbing Chris's leg and my leg at the same time.

*eyes bulge out of head

My mind races.....

"uhhh... my friend's dog is giving birth and they need me to open the door for their airbnb guest.  Gotta run." 

The end.

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Dating Story: Oysters

It's our third date.  This could be the night "it" happens: the night I get into a relationship.  

I've been saving up (saving up money, pervert).  We're having dinner at a French restaurant.  I'm hoping the candle light, ESL waiters, and cheese plates will intoxicate my date into a relationship with me.  It can't fail.  

I psyche myself up.

"BBBRRRGGGGGAAAAAHHH!!!"

*looses barrage of 10,000 rapid- fire Bruce Lee punches and turns head to the right" 

"Bonsoir, mi amor" 

*flares nostrils 

"Hi Isaac" 

*peck on my cheek 

*karate chops wooden plank into two pieces 

"Shall we?" 

We sit and start talking about random stuff.  

Waiter: "airuhheadytahdare?"

Me: "Yes, two glasses or red wine and a plate of oysters"

Her: "I love oysters" 

(Yes, that's definately innuendo. YES!!! YES!!!) 

Me: "oysters give me virility" 

*winks 

"Haha...yeah...well...you won't be needing that tonight"

The waiter smiles with deep satisfaction.  

(I hate you, waiter)  

"Ansingells?" 

"3 cheese plates and 5 more candles, please"

We continue talking about random stuff.

Her: "I just read an autobiography of a woman who was a sociopath" 

"Oh yeah?...."

(this can't be good) 

"Ya she was normal...she had relationships and everything"

"So why was she a sociopath?"

"Well...she would do things like end relationships because she got really bored" 

"But don't normal people do that too?" 

"No, only sociopaths" 

"Oh...I see...I hate sociopaths...I'm definitely not one myself"

*smiles

She looks unconvinced.  

"What kind of dog did you have growing up?"

"I had a cat" 

(1 sociopath point)

"Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?"

"Borg?"

(2 sociopath points) 

"What do you do for fun?" 

"Well...I'm a jazz musician...so...nothing, I guess" 

(3 sociopath points)

"Airairzoysters" 

The waiter sets the plate of oysters down before us.  It's a critical moment.  If I don't impress my date, it's over.

How can I show her I'm not a sociopath? How can I show that I'm generous, and know how to make her feel good? 

I look down at the oysters, which resemble female genitalia, then back up at my date.  

A lightbulb goes off.  

"watch"

*tenderly tounges, licks, and slurps oysters into mouth as if to say "would a sociopath be this sensitive and skillfull?" 

It didn't work. 

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Dating Story: Open minded...ish

She slender and pretty.  She does math stuff for a bank, likes music, runs (for fun/exercise), believes in the decriminalisation of drugs, yada yada...I don't care anymore .... 

Maybe I'll learn some stuff about banks. Maybe I'll get laid.  Maybe she'll punch me in the face and run onto the hood of an uber, removing her pants while the passengers inside scream for their lives ... who knows...it's dating    

We go to a bar. 

Her: "what's your favorite chord?" 

"funny you should ask...."

I almost launch into a lecture about tonal-relational synapses, interval vectors, Glenn Zaleski, etc. but think better of it.

"......B7" 

"Crazy" 

I become aware of two friends watching me, like ornithologists sighting an eagle.  

"Shhhh he's dating" 

I smile.  I hope something exciting will happen. 

My date is hard to read...she seems to like me, but something is off... 

We have a nice conversation about banks and decriminalising drugs.

Her: "if we decriminalize drugs we can make them safer and reduce the stigma surrounding drug addiction" 

"I've never done drugs, but that sounds nice" 

Nothing exciting happens. 

Me: "Well, I should go"

"Ok.  Do you wanna see my roof?"

(A ha!)

"I'd...i'd love to, yeah..." 

(buh buh BOW!)

(BOW!)

(BOW!)

(BOOOW!!!)

We're on the roof of her apartment.  Alone. In the dark.

*in my deepest, sexiest voice possible 

"It's a lovely evening, don't you think?" 

"Eh ...it's ok...yesterday was better" 

(hmm...) 

"this is a great view...." 

"I can't believe they haven't picked up the recycling yet" 

(wait did she actually just want to show me this roof? This roof sucks- it's just a bunch of mats on the ground)

"You have really pretty eyes" 

"Have you seen National Treasure?" 

"I have.  Are you a virgin?"    

"I'm waiting until marriage because it's what jesus would have wanted"

"Shit.  Ok...well, have a nice night" 

*runs and jumps off roof 

The end.

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